Day 16 : My dead hope

Sixteen years ago I grasped a vision for a radio show unlike any show I had heard before. It was a perfect fit for how God made me. It involved callers, my forte of observations and insight, my experience in radio, and people’s need for practical biblical advice. The idea came from a conversation with a man who knew me as well as anyone, and who I trusted more than any man.

I embraced the vision. I made plans, prayed, and did research. I shared the dream with family, friends, and people who could help shape the idea.

Hope’s long, slow death

After sixteen years, it’s not happening. Not even close. I wish I could describe an exciting story of spectacular failure, but I can’t. What’s really bad, is if someone ordered me right now to do The Show, I still wouldn’t know how to do it. With all my thinking, praying, and planning, I’ve never been able to explain exactly what it looks like, even to myself.

I’ve given up on it. I don’t pray or plan anymore. Today, I think maybe the whole thing was kind of stupid. I never think about it, except as motivation to feel sorry for myself. Inside, I’m even embarrassed.

All the scary parts of hope are in this broken dream: It’s unfulfilled. I’m disappointed. It dangled for a long time and I’ve quit. I’m confused. I’ve never been able to explain it to people; I don’t even understand it myself. I’m scared of the change necessary for doing it. Success is scary. Failure is scary. Plus, I’ve never really committed to the thing.

“Welcome,” I say to myself, “to scary hope.”

What happened?

One conclusion is that I never fully committed to it. I never prayed, planned, or worked as if I was committed. I dabbled, with seasons of intensity. It’s all my fault.

I have another conclusion: It wasn’t meant to be. The dream was used to shape me for God’s own reasons. It’s all about shaping. The shaping continues. 

I think both those conclusions are true. Plus others.

Every time I have an idea or dream now, in the back of my mind I hear, “Yeah right—what about that radio show? What makes this different from that?”

When I hear that voice it makes me want to fight harder. Notice I didn’t say that I do fight harder. I think I’m learning what fight harder means.

Broken dreams are a great way to learn about faith, God, and yourself

My definition of hope is changing.

I’m thinking it’s more about faith, trust, and commitment, than it is about any particular results of faith, trust, and commitment.

The journey is a big part of hope. Sometimes it’s the whole thing.

Here’s what I mean by ‘journey’ –

The thing I’m going to learn, and the person I’m going to become, may be more valuable to God than the results of any particular dream.

Pursuing the dream changes you

Now that’s something to hope for.

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To start at the beginning of 31 Days of Scary Hope: encouragement to go from IS to COULD BE, click HERE.

photo by indoloony

Comments

[Corinne]

Hi Gary, thanks for your bold journey with regards to this 'untoucheable' topic on hope.

Have been confronting the idea of hope. Why is there so much pain tied to hope? How is hope biblical when it brings confusion and exhaustion? I see hope as a white and yellow looking four letter word that sits on a fluffy tuft of clouds in the heavens. Why is hope good? Why is it biblical?

I know it means trusting God and learning to let go. But what does trusting God mean? Does it mean knowing what the end result is going to be and letting Him work out the path towards that? Wouldn't it mean so much more if we left even the end result to him? But then, what good is hope? I understand trust, but why lead me down a path believing in something, and then asking me to let go even of what's at the end of the path? Why wasn't it just leading me down an expansive field with no definitive path that would all lead to me 'trusting' you with the 'end' - whatever it was.

Just some thoughts I typed out loud :/

[Brenda]

I just read all 16 days of Scary Hope and I am amazed at how God is speaking thru you. I can relate to almost everything (situations, actions, emotions) which you have posted. It's really making me think. I am almost 50 years old, have always wanted to be married and have a family but it has never happened. Do I let go of that hope or do I hang in there just a little while longer (as I always seem to do)? I lost my job of 26 years last year and now I have to "re-invent" myself. I've decided to start my own business. But how do I know if this is what God wants for me or a hope only I have? I have prayed about it but perhaps not long enough or hard enough. Oh the ramblings of a middle-aged, single, unemployed woman. lol Thank you for the thoughts and ponderings. It's helping at least me and I'm sure countless others. It's nice to know I'm not alone. :)

[Jody]

More good stuff.
"The Journey" is what I call that changing thing too.

[Rebekah Bloyd]

Thank you, thank you for this series. As I go though a period of change in my life, it is a reminder that God's ways are higher than my ways, and maybe the change in my life circumstances is what he is using to change me. I can't see the end of the journey, but HE can. I remember Romans 8:28 - "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God..."

[Affordable Insurance]

Thank you for the thoughts and ponderings. It's helping at least me and I'm sure countless others. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

[Joy Manoleros]

"Pursuing the dream changes you." You ain't kidding...

[HopefulLeigh]

I needed this today. I'm glad your daughter linked to it.

[tara@pohlkottepress]

My definition of hope is changing.

I’m thinking it’s more about faith, trust, and commitment, than it is about any particular results of faith, trust, and commitment.

- - so true! so glad to have read this today via emily at chatting at the sky.

[Fawn]

Failure is such a tough topic. We all go through it, multiple times throughout our life, but we prefer not to look at it or remember it. But you do a great job in reminding us of why we need to look at our failures to better appreciate our successes and to constantly hope and build. Thank you for this post. I too am joining you today from Emily at Chatting at the Sky.