Normally, our mini schnauzer growls and barks when another dog crosses in front of us. But this time, her bark is muffled and a little gagged. I look down and see her gobbling and gulping a big hunk of chicken meat and bones that she’s been carrying that I didn’t know about. Great. Chicken bones splinter, right? Not good.
This can turn into a battle, and I don’t want it to, so I calmly tell her “drop it.” I pat her on the back and then quietly, and more firmly, command her – she knows what “drop it” means. She clenches and gulps harder, trying to swallow it whole. I start the low, authoritative growl we use when we want her to feel and fear our mastery. She gulps harder and tries to get a better grip on the chicken.
I take off my gloves and feel her bulging snout – chicken bones stick out and a glob of meat and bones are deep in her mouth. I break off some of the bones on the outside and throw them aside. I growl at her and grip her jaw and squeeze and order, ‘DRAAAAWWWWP IT.’ This usually works by now. The chicken is far back in her throat and I’m afraid I might shove it back in a bad way and hurt her. She won’t let go. I’m getting mad. She’s an idiot. I’m picturing chicken bones splintering in her throat, or stomach, or guts. Se wants it so bad. She will NOT give it up.
I growl, and squeeze her shoulders, and push her to the ground and do everything to put the fear of God in her.
And then I quit. I’m mad, I let go, stand up, and start walking. I’m done. “Dog you want it, you got it. But I’m not paying $500 or $1,000 for x-rays or surgery (we’ve been there, done that).” I’m really angry – you do everything to feed her right, and love her, keep her out of trouble and then rescue her when it comes. But she’s got a free will and if she insists on using it for harm, at some point she gets her way. Her appetite for crap has been an ongoing problem. Right now, I’m done.
I let her gobble it down. I walk home, angry. I feel far from her and don’t care what happens, but of course that’s why I’m angry, because I do care. But we’ve hit the limit of what I’m willing to do to fix it.
And I wonder if that’s how it could be.
I’m made for a purpose and I have an assignment in this life, and the assigner gives me everything I need to complete it, and clears the way, and rescues and forgives with limitless patience. And I can reject it all and insist on using myself for myself, to my destruction.
I can hear him now, “I’m done here. You won’t listen. If you insist on going this way, I’m letting you. You’re telling me you want this more than anything in the world – you’re telling me by your behavior. I don’t believe what you say. I believe what you do. Go on. Have at it. I’m not leaving, but I’m leaving you alone with what you want. I don’t need you, but I want you. You don’t want me, but you need me. We’re far apart. I’ll never stop wanting what’s best for you and I’ll never leave you, but I will leave you alone with what you insist on. So go on. Have at it.”
When he finally came to his senses…he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son… – Luke 15