New Life'n

Day 1, and 2, and 3...

Part 12 of the story of how Gary's life changed.  You could call it From Beer to Eternity.  There might be 20 or so of these to make up the whole story.  Links to other parts are on the right.

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Right away it seems strange to not drink,  All the familiar cues are still there -- Marty and Joe and the Reds; the janitor lady before IU basketball games; any rock and roll song on headphones...  There are dozens of cues that are married to the buzz of alcohol.  And in a way, I have the urge.

But it's so totally out of the question that it's not a temptation.  Several beers stay in the refrigerator for months, untouched.  I finally throw them away

There's something about a closed and locked door that says, don't even bother.  However, if it's cracked even slightly on the possibility, you'll do it.  You can't resist.  But it's like I'm dead to it.  I drive past liquor stores; I'm with people drinking; I notice all the daily cues -- I don't care.  I don't think about it. 

It's not a commitment and I'm not doing it to make someone happy.  It's not a temptation. 

However, I do believe I can unbolt the door.  I can open it up and give myself that choice again.  I didn't take away the choice -- it was taken from me.  I've been rescued.  But I can still run back in the ocean and start drowning again.  There is still potential to say, "maybe just this one time."  I'm still an alcoholic.

Brenda's friends tell her not to get her hopes up, that I'll start back again soon.  But I don't.

Do you ever make notes at church and never look at them again?

I just almost did that.  Why do we make notes if we're not going to look at them or do anything about them?  There must be a reason you feel compelled to write it down -- what is it?  Anyway, it's two things Jim said last weekend:

"Patience is a largeness of soul that can endure annoyances and difficulties over a long period of time"

I'm guessing I wrote that down because it feels like I don't endure annoyances and difficulties over even a short period of time.

The second:

"If God is so good and what he's done is so glorious, my life should reflect that -- it should impact how I live.  If it doesn't, does that mean I don't really think it's that good?"

Maybe I don't look at my notes after I make them because I don't want to be reminded of why I wrote them down.

Oh no, not you

Part 11 of the story of how Gary's life changed.  You could call it From Beer to Eternity.  There might be 20 or so of these to make up the whole story.  Links to other parts are on the right.

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One day I come home like always -- gone too long, drinking beer in a parking lot somewhere so Brenda doesn't know how much I drink.  And it's the same thing again, what took you so long?

Something is different this time.  She's really pressuring me, almost as if she thinks I have something to say.  And I'm so tired -- tired of drinking, tired of all the work of hiding it, tired of lying, tired of being tired.

And it just comes out -- "Brenda...I'm an alcoholic."

And I think, this is not gonna be good, but I don't care.  She always said she wouldn't be married to an alcoholic.  Well, she is, and she just found out.

She does the worst thing she can possibly do: she doesn't get mad.

If she gets mad, I can get mad too, because I'll find something in her argument or something in her that can be criticized and I'll go for that and I can be distracted by that and we can have a big fight and probably somewhere in there she'll be guilty of something, too, and I won't have to concentrate on my problem and how horrible I've treated her.  But that doesn't happen.

She just says, "Oh no, not you." 

Like her heart is broke.  And that breaks mine, too.

She takes herself out of the picture.  She has a lot of questions, but there's no one for me to get mad at.  There's nothing to argue about.  I'm left with nothing to distract me from the full reality of who and what I am.  I'm standing there holding a beer and I know that's going to be my last one for awhile.  I think, I don't know what's going to happen in the future, and I can't comprehend not drinking, but I know I won't tomorrow.

I'm not a Christian.  I don't try to stop drinking.  I don't make any commitments or vows.  I don't go to any 12-step meetings -- no one tells me about them or invites me; it never occurs to me.  I don't follow any methods or read any books.  I don't know how to quit. 

But I do know this (now) -- it's Jesus Christ.  That beer in my hand 22 years ago is the last one.

4 ways change happens

It's probably like a soup where the order things are added and the quantity can vary, but here's four main ingredients:

1.  Step by step

• The long, slow way, sometimes trial and error, you learn as you go
• Fail, learn & try again.  Perseverance.
• It's the way of steady progress
• In spiritual change it's a long term dealing with God (or him dealing with you); failure, repentance, repeat, sometimes rotating cycles of numbness and waking up.  It requires an ongoing trust and responsive relationship with him
• This seems to be the way designed for much of change and growth to happen

2.  You wake up 

• You hear, see, realize what you had previously been numb or dead to. 
• You're almost shocked to your senses.  What are you doing?  How could you have missed it?  How could you act that way?  How could you end up here? 
• Spiritually it requires sensitivity and responding with repentance to what's been revealed to you, but of course you could say if you were sensitive and responding you wouldn't have needed to wake up to begin with.  But maybe not -- maybe the alarm just hasn't gone off til now.

3.  You get caught 

• And that slaps you into reality. 
• You can't fool yourself anymore because now everyone knows. 
• You go, Oh God, this will never happen again!
• People are suspicious of this way of change -- they know you may only be responding to the consequences of getting caught.  You can't blame people for being suspicious, and you can't expect them to believe you've changed.  Even you might not know for sure.
• Only over time will you and others know if the change is real.

4.  God just goes and does it

• Now, God really does them all, but in this I mean he does it unilaterally.
• It's like you're not involved, you're only the recipient.
• When I quit drinking, God just did it.  It was like something that happened TO me. 
• When my wife, Brenda, realized all that Jesus had done for her, she gained a peace and rest that she had never known.  Her life was transformed.  There was a long process, but in the end it just happened.  

Criticizing is the easy part

We're all experts at that.  But, taking ownership and having a better idea is a whole 'nother deal.  If I had to have a better idea, and be responsible for making it happen, before I was allowed to criticize, I'd do a lot less criticizing.

What if you were so good at criticizing that you became known for it -- you're even famous and rich for it.  And every week over 20 million people wait to hear how you're going to bluntly and mercilessly give your opinion.  And it's great because you never have to take responsibility for doing anything better yourself. 

Now let's say someone waves a magic wand and says, "OK smartypants, let's see what YOU can do!"  And suddenly you have the opportunity and responsibility to create the thing that you're always saying everyone else doesn't measure up to.  Something that will withstand your own critique.  Would you be able to do it?

The most famous criticizer in the world has also been doing the harder part of taking responsibility and having a better idea and creating what he thinks is good.  Here's an example of something he put together:

The worst part

Part 10 of the story of how Gary's life changed.  You could call it From Beer to Eternity.  There might be 20 ar so of these to make up the whole story.  Links to other parts are on the right.

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For years I lie to my wife, Brenda.  I break her trust.  She doesn't know how much I really drink.  She knows something isn't right about why I take so long to go to the store.  It makes her suspicious.  I can't tell her I'm sitting in the parking lot, drinking.  I tell her that's just how long it takes.  She starts looking at the times on receipts, so I learn to drink first, then go in the store so the checkout time and my drive home match up.  Later I start throwing away all receipts anytime I shop just to be consistent and to try to avoid questions.  Yes, I'm a genius.  Of course, it still takes me too long and she still has seasons of intense questions. 

We argue over it.  I get defensive.  She feels like she's going crazy -- either I'm lying or she's crazy; she knows it's one or the other.  I let her think she must be crazy.  

What a horrible, abominable thing for a man to do to his wife.  But sorry, alcohol is god, and this god must be served.  This has a long lasting impact on our relationship and marriage.  I can't imagine what it does to her sense of worth and self-esteem.  It takes her years to trust me, long after the drinking ends.

Today weighs a lot

It's cold again.  You have to wear your coat, hat, maybe gloves to walk your mutt.  Last week you could wear short sleeves and you forgot all about bundling up -- it was like the winter cold never happened.  Now it's like the warm never happened.

Today weighs a lot -- more than you realize, more than it should.  Today always feels very real, way more real than yesterday and tomorrow.  Like yesterday never happened and tomorrow will never come.

I once lived in Detroit and knew we weren't going to stay.  While we were there it was very real and felt like it would never end.  But as soon as it did, it was like it never happened. 

Finances, jobs, family, relationships, health stuff, all cycle thru your life.  They're like tools to shape you and give you experience God wants to use later.  At the time, though, the shaping feels like squeezing and pinching and cutting and all you want is for it to end -- because today weighs a lot.  But when it does end, it's like it never happened.

So since it's going to end, and when it does it's gonna feel like it never happened, it might be worth it to get some permanent benefit out of it.  That way it's not, like, wasted, right?

I once was waiting for a call about a job (and I really needed the job) and it was taking forever to hear back from them.  In reality, it was only a few days, but it felt longer, because today weighs a lot.  While I was waiting, I memorized some words from the Bible -- as soon as I got it memorized, they called and said the job was canceled.  All I got out of it was what the words I memorized said:

"God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.  It produces a harvest (harvest!)  of righteousness and peace in those who have been trained by it...so strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees." -- Hebrews 12

Sometimes it's hard to think of heavy todays as doors to a harvest of righteousness and peace.

Sometimes I try to quit

Part 9 of the story of how Gary's life changed.  You could call it From Beer to Eternity.  There might be 20 or so of these to make up the whole story.  Links to other parts are on the right.

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Sometimes I try to quit, without telling anyone.  I might make it a couple of hours.  But it never lasts and over time I give up.  I get to the point where I think this is it, this is the way it's going to be, I'm just going to end up dying years earlier than I should.

I know that, but I ignore it and act like it's not true.  I have to ignore it because it's too painful to accept, plus I know can't stop, so I'll go crazy if I think about it.

It's really not hard to ignore, though -- ignoring is one of my strengths.  It's part of my whole escapist, pleasure-seeking personality.  Since I was a kid I've excelled at avoiding the thing I'm supposed to do: I always put off that night's homework assignment, but spend an hour reading ahead in the same book.

So the same thing that makes drinking so appealing to me -- pleasure, avoid responsibility -- is the same thing that enables me to not face the facts of the consequences.  It's like a muscle that the drinking habit has helped develop -- and my pleasure & escape muscle is now a rippling, bulging, Mr. Universe-worthy muscle. 

So I'm an alcoholic and year after year goes by.  It's a lifestyle.  It's normal.  It's who I am and what I do.  It's actually the main thing I am and do.  And it's not going to change. 

No fair

Some of the people Bernie Madoff ripped off want him to go thru a long trial.  They say he's hiding money and protecting people and they want all that to come out.  But he's not been charged with that.

The things he has been charged with, he's plead guilty to.  To every single charge.  But some say he's just trying to avoid the prolonged torture of a trial. 

YES!

If the purpose of a criminal trial is to determine guilt or innocence, then there's no need to determine what's already been admitted to.

When you know you're a dead man, all you can do is admit it, don't fight it, accept what's due you and hope for mercy, without any right to expect or demand mercy.

Guilty pleas finalize things and put your fate in the hands of the judge.  And there is a judge who does what to some must seem so unfair; but the one it's most unfair to is the one who is innocent yet pays for the crime, so that justice really is done and so that

if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness -- 1 John 1.9

The family in Lincoln's watch

It's like National Treasure 3 -- a secret inscription is discovered hidden in Lincoln's watch!  And he never knew.  What's it a clue to?  That every family has a story.  Even if it takes 150 years to finish it.