Part 11 of the story of how Gary's life changed. You could call it From Beer to Eternity. There might be 20 or so of these to make up the whole story. Links to other parts are on the right.
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One day I come home like always -- gone too long, drinking beer in a parking lot somewhere so Brenda doesn't know how much I drink. And it's the same thing again, what took you so long?
Something is different this time. She's really pressuring me, almost as if she thinks I have something to say. And I'm so tired -- tired of drinking, tired of all the work of hiding it, tired of lying, tired of being tired.
And it just comes out -- "Brenda...I'm an alcoholic."
And I think, this is not gonna be good, but I don't care. She always said she wouldn't be married to an alcoholic. Well, she is, and she just found out.
She does the worst thing she can possibly do: she doesn't get mad.
If she gets mad, I can get mad too, because I'll find something in her argument or something in her that can be criticized and I'll go for that and I can be distracted by that and we can have a big fight and probably somewhere in there she'll be guilty of something, too, and I won't have to concentrate on my problem and how horrible I've treated her. But that doesn't happen.
She just says, "Oh no, not you."
Like her heart is broke. And that breaks mine, too.
She takes herself out of the picture. She has a lot of questions, but there's no one for me to get mad at. There's nothing to argue about. I'm left with nothing to distract me from the full reality of who and what I am. I'm standing there holding a beer and I know that's going to be my last one for awhile. I think, I don't know what's going to happen in the future, and I can't comprehend not drinking, but I know I won't tomorrow.
I'm not a Christian. I don't try to stop drinking. I don't make any commitments or vows. I don't go to any 12-step meetings -- no one tells me about them or invites me; it never occurs to me. I don't follow any methods or read any books. I don't know how to quit.
But I do know this (now) -- it's Jesus Christ. That beer in my hand 22 years ago is the last one.
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