Part 14 of the story of how Gary's life changed. You could call it From Beer to Eternity. There might be 20 or so of these to make up the whole story. Links to other parts are on the right.
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So I'm sober for two years. And after a year in Iowa we find out I'm losing that job. Great. Now what? I'm 37-years old, no education, I've moved my wife and kids away from family and our long-time home, and I have no control over keeping my job or even if I can get another one.
And exactly what DO I have control over? Not my health, although I'm healthy -- I could have cancer and just haven't found out yet. I can't control how my kids turn out -- I can influence and try, but I can't MAKE anything happen. I'm totally confident of Brenda's love, but I can't MAKE her keep loving me.
Years ago I said I wouldn't have kids until I knew what I was doing and here's the kids and I still don't have a clue. I always thought at some point you become a "grown up" and you have maturity and judgment and wisdom, but here I am and I sure don't have it. So now what, Mr. Smart Guy?
One afternoon while Brenda is at the bank, out of the blue, while thinking of all that control I don't have, I get down on my knees in the basement of that rental house on Greenway Drive in Bettendorf. I have never believed in God, although I've always thought if there is a God, it would be a really big deal -- if he created you and the whole universe, then he's kinda like the owner of the whole thing, including you, right? So I'm on my knees -- on my knees?! -- but it seems normal and I've never ever had a thought of belief in God until that moment when I say, "Lord -- I'm saying Lord? -- Lord, I give up. I quit. I don't want my life, you take it." Inside me, there are some other things I'm acknowledging, things I've heard repeated over the years about me being a sinner, Jesus' death in my place, a pardon and forgiveness that are mine when I trust him and his death, his resurrection and real life that is still being lived. I'm believing all that, too, without saying it, but I'm telling God so I guess I'm praying, and it's as if I'm being carried along on a wave and I'm just riding it. I can't help myself, I have to do this. It's all one thing and it seems like a minute or two.
I get up and don't think or feel anything -- but everything's changed. I just don't know it yet.
That night I have a dream that my arms are all scaly and itchy, but then the scaly stuff falls off. I always remember that, but I never have any kind of dream like that again.
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