New Life'n

Getting away with it

Part 3 of the story of how my life changed.  You could call it From Beer to Eternity.  There could be 15-20 or so of these to make up the whole story. 

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I never get in trouble for drinking.  No arrests.  No firings.  No embarrassing public scenes (oh wait, there was that one -- more on that later).  I'm a functional alcoholic, which is dangerous -- there is no crisis to help me confront my problem. 

I'm not physically dependent on alcohol.  I never drink at work, so there's eight hours a day, plus sleep, when I'm sober.  When I finally quit, I have no tremors or side effects like Dad has when he quits.

But I'm totally psychologically addicted.  I'm always calculating how much I have, how much I can get away with drinking, and how I can get more without anyone catching on to how much I'm drinking.

As soon as I get off work, I stop and buy three quarts of beer.  I drink one on the way home (so my wife Brenda doesn't know) and when I get home I drink another.  So, within two hours of getting off work I have two quarts in me, and one in the fridge.  Then I try to find an excuse to go to the grocery, or run an errand.  I'm so helpful!  While I'm out I buy another quart plus a couple of cans, drink the cans, and bring the quart home.  Now I've got a good stash at home and don't have to worry about my supply.  Then I fall asleep on the floor while watching TV.  When I wake up I drink more beer.  This scene is repeated daily for years, in various forms depending on my work hours, sometimes with quarts, sometimes with six-packs.  You can get another quick picture of these years HERE.

I can't imagine life without beer.  It's my security; in a way it's my life.  I look at Brenda and think, "How do you do it?  How do you go thru a whole day without drinking?  Day after day!?"  (I never say that, of course.)  Alcohol is normal -- NOT drinking is a whole 'nother planet.

It's not working out? And it's not your fault?

It could be parenting or job or career or finances or some kind of project -- anything that requires you to take some initiative and do something.  Let's say it wasn't even your idea, maybe you even tried to get out of it, you certainly weren't excited about it, but you've been faithful and have a clear conscience about carrying out the thing.  You've done everything you're supposed to do. 

And it hasn't turned out the way you expected -- the kids, the investments, the job, the project, the journey.  In fact, it's gotten worse, everybody's mad at you, and they're not going to listen to you anymore.

And you find yourself basically telling God, "I've done everything you asked, this wasn't my idea, things are worse than they were before I put out all this effort, and this has not turned out like you said it would -- I knew this would happen" 

You're in good company.  Say hi to Moses.

God tells Moses to go get God's people in Egypt, that God will be with him.  Moses has no confidence, goes back and forth with God, pretty much tells God NO, and is finally made to go do it.  So he does what he's told but nobody listens, and things end up way worse for the people he's supposed to help.  

Moses tells God, "Why did you ever send me? You haven't done any of the things you said."  You can almost feel Moses thinking, so this is what it looks like when you're with me?

Moses thinks Pharaoh has to listen.  God tells Moses to speak and he does, but Pharaoh's not listening!  You've got to make Pharaoh listen!  Why should I talk to him if he won't listen?  

But it's not about him listening.  It's about him NOT listening. 

Do you know what God says to Moses when nothing is turning out right? -- "Now you will see what I will do..."

The biggest thing God ever does with Israel in the Old Testament -- the plagues, the Passover, the walking thru the Red Sea on dry land, the incredibly spectacular defining moments that God is going to forever use to prove what a powerful and reliable rescuer He is -- is done thru a guy doing what he's told and having it look and feel like failure. 

The parting of your sea could be just over that hill.

Like father...

Part 2 of the story of how my life changed.  You could call it From Beer to Eternity.  There could be 15-20 or so of these to make up the whole story.  

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I'm in my teens before I realize Dad is an alcoholic, drinks pretty much all day every day, and is the unhappiest man I'll ever know.

His inner anger breaks out almost daily at home in loud, yelling monologues that are aimed at no one but intended for everyone to hear.  We walk on tip-toes when it quiets down, hoping he'll go to sleep.  But he's never violent or physical in his anger.  Today it reminds me of that guy in the Bible who lived in the tombs shouting and hurting himself and no one dared come near. 

He is not a good example, but he IS an example of what not to be or do, and that can be very useful.  I make vows to 'never make my kids get up and change the channel for me' -- but my resolve doesn't carry over to the obvious biggest influence on our relationship, his drinking.

He drops me off at the skating rink to run in and get my brother to take him home, and says he'll be "right back" and my brother and I stand on the sidewalk waiting for an hour for him to pick us up.  When we get in the car, Dad's in a good mood and slurring his words.  This is a normal.

I graduate from high school and live at home for awhile and he comes home from work at lunch, drinking, and falls asleep on the couch.  I shake him, "Dad?  Don't you have to go back to work?..."  This is normal.

I'm packed and ready for our spring break trip to Florida to visit colleges, and the old Impala pulls in the driveway and just sits there.  I wait, then go outside -- the car is running and Dad's slumped over the wheel.  I know mom's not going to like it if Dad blows our trip, so I scoot him into the passenger seat, load the bags, and start driving south.  Two hours later in Kentucky, he slowly wakes up, chin on his chest, opening one eye at me, realizing what's happened.  "You're a good boy," he groggily says.

We're not close, but we have a nice surface relationship. 

All his life I long for something closer, something real in our relationship.  I think he does, too.  But, neither of us knows what it is or how to get it.  I think it was the same with him and his dad.  Today I have no bitterness toward him, and I wish he were alive, but have no clue how I would make things better for him.

Dad stops drinking three years before he dies.  The first year he and mom have a normal year of marriage, probably the first one in a long time, maybe the only one ever.  The second year mom dies.  The third year Dad becomes more and more self-centered, and then his life of drinking catches up with his health.  Dying, his last words to my sister in the hospital are, "I can't do this."  But he does.

The Sacred Harp in your throat

I know these two things are very different, coming from different camera angles, perspectives and worldviews.  But are they not both tapping into some same universal song in the air?  Something the human voice was created to do with energy, passion, and conviction?

Gary starts getting drunk

This is the beginning of the story of how my life changed.  You could call it, From Beer to Eternity.  There could be 15-20 or so of these to make up the whole story.  

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I turn 21 and Dad takes me to "The Cozy" in the strip mall behind our house for my first celebratory drink as a legal-age real person.  I guess that's how it started with him when he turned 21.  I've never drank alcohol before and it's no big deal.  Eight months later I get married.  Right after that, I occasionally buy a quart of beer and enjoy it.  Then several quarts.  This quickly becomes a daily habit.  Every day I'm under the influence, legally drunk (every day -- but never at work).  I don't stop until I'm 35.

During the next fifteen years I'm layed-off from jobs 4-5 times, sometimes for a year or more at a time.  Then we live off unemployment (this does not stop me from buying beer).  One time unemployment runs out and we're on food stamps (this doesn't stop me, either).  Years later, when things have changed, when we have glass coke bottles to turn in for deposit, Brenda will say, "Why?  We don't need the money..."  It becomes ingrained in her that you only turn bottles in for deposit if you're poor.

I have no college, no training, no ambition.  I don't think about the future, other than having a vague sense that of course it will be better, although I do nothing to make it better.  But hey, the present isn't so bad (insert smiley face).

In my 20's and 30's I have all the usual drives and passions and lusts and mindsets that a person apart from God has.  We all have our own specialties, our own mix of sin that makes us us.  But I don't have ALL the sins, of course, that way I can say, "Well at least I don't do THAT -- I'm not THAT bad..."

I do learn one big thing during those years -- no money, and no job, will not kill you.

How to be found

Right before he told the story of the Prodigal Son who ran way and then came back, Jesus told two other quick stories.  The first was about a man with many sheep who lost one and went looking for it.  The second story was about a woman who lost a coin and went looking for it.

The assumption seems to be that's the normal thing to do and of course anyone would go looking for something they lost, even if they had others like it.  It belongs to them; they want to find it, get it back.

And Jesus mentions the rejoicing when the lost thing is found and then says that in the same way there is rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who...

Who what?

Who is found, right?  He's been talking about looking for lost things and finding them and he's saying it's the same with people who are lost -- there's rejoicing when they're found, too, right?

That's not what he says.

He says the rejoicing is "over one sinner who repents."

And then he goes right into the third story, about the son who runs away, gets lost, and then changes his mind, repents, and comes home.  And there's a big party and rejoicing.  He doesn't deserve the welcome home -- but his father loves him and longs to forgive him.  He was lost and now he's found. 

When the kids mess up, mom and dad can gently offer forgiveness and a hug.  When the kid admits it, the thing is forgiven and they start over.  Unless the child says NO -- I won't take your forgiveness, I don't need it, I haven't done anything wrong.  Then there's no hug, no forgiveness (they rejected it), no welcome home.  They stay lost.

Or it might be like playing hide and seek and when the seeker finds you, you stay in the closet behind the clothes and refuse to come out.  You're found but you stay lost...

Apparently, God's finding the lost thing -- the person -- is related to the person changing his mind (repenting).  The finding and the repenting are kinda the same thing, almost interchangeable.

 

Some things are hero or failure

Sometimes the stakes are so high, the demand so great, the responsibility so awesome that there's going to be no in-between. 

I'm reading some Bruce Catton books on the Civil War and that's how it was for whoever was commander of the armies of the North.  There were a few (very few) decent generals but the times demanded greatness and success and anything less was failure.  Those who weren't great couldn't get away with it -- decent was failure and they were replaced.  But if you could succeed, you'd be President (Grant did and was).  No in-between.

It's not fair, it's just the way it is.  And thankfully, not very often.

It's nothing personal -- just the combination of a specific need and one person that are an exact fit at that one moment.  And when the stakes are high enough the exaltation of a successful person can carry beyond that moment and need. 

Grant was a great general, and it got him elected president.  But he was only an average president.  The need and the person and the moment were no longer an exact fit.

Why are kids so needy around mom?

You've seen it a million times.  With babysitter, or relative, or grandparents, or teacher, or sometimes even dad, the kids are reasonable and normal.  Suddenly mom shows up, and they break out into a neediness frenzy -- whining, hanging onto mom, crying for drinks and snacks...what happened?

Maybe it's that mom is 'Source Of Life.'  She represents the idea of ALL NEEDS MET!  She's always been that for them.  From the beginning, hunger, loneliness, discomfort, pain, fear, poopy diaper, have all been fixed by mom.  Not perfectly, but when they get fixed, she's usually the fixer.  

So when kids are around mom, expectations for needs-being-met are sky high.  Kids are suddenly aware of every single need they have. 

When they're not around mom -- expectations are lower.  If you go to an elementary school concert, you don't expect to hear Celine Dion.  And to kids, maybe that's how big the difference is between mom and everybody else. 

So it doesn't feel like it to mom, but sometimes all that needy, clinging, whining may actually be a compliment.